10 december

I have this habit of going away during this day but not without spending some time with my mum who I really adore and can’t stay away from. Don’t get me wrong. I love and miss her so so much. Over the years, I have grown to understand her and the more I know her the more I want to be with her always, always and forever.

Many people have asked me on my status. Do I want to get married? Yes, definitely but I not really going out full force in search of the one. Of course, if it happens, I will accept it with open wide arms. Mum and Dad completes my love for now. Sometimes, I do wonder if I would ever get hitch. I harbour of having someone in my life, to pray with me, to be my imam, to hear my stories, to laugh at my jokes or make me laugh, to be with me e.v.e.r.y step of the way but marriage is a gamble and I need to be sure of that. I would probably care less if I was younger but not now. so I pray for health, wealth and love always. happy birthday to me.

trust

you are going on an adventure trip to climb a mountain. and while you are being hoist up by a single rope, do you trust the person holding and guarding it? how much do you trust the person? what would it take for you to give your entire life to the person.

how about God? Do you trust enough to let things go as it has been planned for us? Do you fight against it or leave it to the will of God. For instance, if you have a terminal illness and the doc suggested for a MAJOR operation – would you do it, when your heart just does not seem to agree with it. Do you just ignore it,  what should you do? people can say lots of things after all they are not in our shoes, but what do you do if after all the talk, you just don’t seem like going ahead with it, knowing for a fact (maybe) that you will end up worse than you are now.

status

Can’t think of a title but this will be the start of me getting back to writing. After quite a while, I need this, to let go of the thoughts that’s in my head.

work has been busy, alhamdulilah i have managed to do some positive things at work – so far so good. I have been receiving good brownie points. still juggling with work and school. health-wise -this is one area that I am still grappling with. It is really hard trying to, not to make ends meet, but to find time to rest, sleep, spending time with family, exercise, assignments, work and taking a break. Truth be told, I have not taken a good long break for a while. after the diagnosis, I lost the will to do the things that I love previously. I am trying to get back on it but sometimes I just don’t feel wanting to do it. I am not sure why. My doc(s) on the other hand has many reasons which they think they know. The one thing that I am happy and pleased with is the ability to maintain my five prayers, although I need to work on suboh.

It’s less than two months before 2018. Praying for a smooth end to the year, insha-allah.

 

Bullied in this day and age.

It’s part of work benefits and we get movie tickets. So recently, someone asked me for tickets which I initially agreed but later on retracted coz I found out that she solicited from several people in order to bring her entire family. Actually I am fine in giving it to her, even though I know that she is bringing her 4 or 5 children together with her husband, however my colleague wanted to go and there were no tickets, so I thought this would be a great way to bond with my colleagues. Little did I know, this person got into an issue with me about how I don’t keep promises blah blah blah….simple thing. It was a chore for me. For goodness sake, doesn’t she know that every person is entitled to, at the most, two if you have friends who are kind enough not to bring a partner then yes you can ask..anyway it brought me back to the time in school when I was bullied practically in my first two years of my secondary school.

I should be grateful though coz the bullying made me appreciate books and that is how my love of books started. I would be lying if I say that the bullying did not affect me. It does so much that until the present moment, it is difficult for me to trust another person. Recently I help a friend who has never travel before but I regretted for the person never once showed appreciation and was selfish if I may say. Believe me if I say that I am not angry as I put my trust in Allah and I believe that a time will come when this person will feel what I feel at that time. Anyway, I have learnt, of course, through the years, to build their resilience and inner self-esteem but it is difficult. For all those who have been bullied, learn to stand up and fight. It will definitely do you good.

Bye.

promises are meant to be kept

There is nothing more worse in this life than someone who promises you the world and then just ignore you. It’s not like you ask for it or something. Let me share an incident. There are people around me that felt worried or sad just because I am not married. And these people have no connection to me – they are not my family – just plain acquaintances – people who you say hi and bye, you know that type. And there are those that you know because we-went-to-the same-school-together but yet never-sat-having-a-mean-together and, the biggest joke, is that they seem to think that they know you inside out. So what happens is, out-of-the-blue, I met one of these people and so the dialogue begins like this:

hey you, it’s been a long time…how are you?
I am great, fantastic actually.
so, how married or not? eh, you work where?
ehemm…some place (really don’t want to mention anything here, lest they come to my office to find me)
eh, you know our classmate got married finally….eh so you how ah? you very choosy is it? why like that?
At this point, I swear to God, I want to &*(%$## but no in my wonderful tone, I replied, ” oh, you know work and school has kept me busy…. and then she replied
eh you know my husband know so many people, let me check with him and maybe can intro some to you. ok ok don’t worry sure got someone.
I just smile.

Look I did not ask for it. But when these things happen, you sort of, inside your small heart, just wondering, if your ‘friend’s husband’ has gotten someone. And you waited and waited and waited. And then one day, you meet this person, oh what joy you just want to open your mouth and ask, and she just walk through you with a soft, ‘Hi’.

huh? what did just happen? Didn’t she go-out-of-the-way to help me? What’s the status?

Don’t ask me, till today, I am not sure what the answer is. And nowadays when I see her, I just walk through her and if she says Hi, have you eaten, I will just reply with a one-word yes or no or huh?

people should really keep their promises or don’t start if you can’t finish it.
happy that I said it.
Happy Monday everyone!

i am sensitive

I have always been proud of myself that I am strong that I don’t care about what other people think about me. And if everyone goes out and leave me alone, that would be Great! But as you age, you realise that, sometimes, getting acknowledged is somewhat very important. Getting noticed and being remembered gives you a sense of love and belonged. It’s what I have been feeling lately. I used to be ‘don’t care, go away’. Mom pointed out that we need to think of other people. It’s okay if we give in once in while. And I think I feel good, not for them, but for my soul.

And when people say you don’t change, you do…maybe not in big expressive can-notice ways but in your inner self. I learn to let go, not to ask so much. That if things were to happen, it will. That friends come and go. That there are idiots masked behind a beautiful soul…I no longer have any grudges coz if everyone is nice and polite that there will be no space in heaven.

Till next,

finally first post of 2017

glad that I finally decide to publish this. have been feeling lifeless lately – could blame it on the supplements, the weather, work and other things but no it’s just me. It is one of those days that I just find it hard to wake up and live.

yup, it is real but alhamdulilah my daily prayers with God has made it much much easier. I don’t really know how to explain it but it is..I wish I can be more open and talk about it, if God wills, one day, I would like to share my experience so that other people can benefit or myself to learn about what I have gone through.

I have started my fitness routine. I am really starting out slow to avoid any unforseen injuries. I have learn to be more diversify in my exercise regimen. I based most of my exercise routines on library books – which I have an easy access to. Maybe I can upload some of these so that others can do them as well –

Things that I have reduced:
1. supplements – most of them get washed out from urine anyway
2. going out on a whim
3. sign up for things that I will not use
4. social media/tech items

Things I love to do more
1. read more
2. spend more weekend and off time with parents/shopping and talking
3. sunat prayers
4. exercise or maybe join an exercise class or something
5. travel
6. learn to relax and take things easy and slow

that’s a start. and to write more.
end.

the last post of 2016

how has this year been? well, for one, I am still living against what the doctor is saying.

Alhamdulilah, work has been wonderful. Lots of report, the opportunity to do program, set up display, book reviews and recommendations – nothing sort of an adventure.

Health wise, only took one mc and that was on the doctor’s insistence. Health – better although I need to consistently keep up with the therapy exercise. Yes, I can be lazy and I should really stop doing those things that are not worth doing.

Hoping to do more reading in 2017 and travels since my health is slowly gaining its strength. Oh and I want to do running – yes this is one thing that I missed the most!

Signed up for a masters program and am looking forward to the next term. Passed but I want to do so much more. It is difficult to juggle work and school but I think I can do it. I just need to delete some things out from my schedule.

I want to write more, daily hopefully. Ending 2016 with a wedding and shut eye with my partner.

Happy new year.

tenth december

yup it’s my birthday today. there is a lot in my mind and earlier I wrote it down in my diary. As I grew older, I am not comfortable in sharing my personal life. I am not sure what happened but I guess things done in private should just be private.

I had a great time and as previous years, am not in the country. Yes, I still got the cake and the candle. My wish is that I grow more stronger and be firm in whatever I do. That I am able to say No when I want to, decline the things that I am not interested in and indulge in my favourite things – oh how I miss doing the things I love. As I am slowly gaining my health back, I hope to slowly go back to the things I love. In shaa allah.